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Thursday, May 26, 2011
Parental Advice Needed!
I need help! My wonderful, beautiful, daughter is not all she seems. You see, sometimes, a monster comes out, possesses her body and makes her do terrible things. Things like, biting, scratching, hitting, and pulling people's hair. I am at a loss on what to do! I have tried biting her back just enough to give her the idea that biting hurts. I have pulled her hair. I have put her in time out. I have tried redirection. I don't know what to do! It is getting so very bad. I find myself losing my patience because I'm with her all day and I'm the one that is receiving most of the attacks. Any advice??
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3 comments:
Well we actually didn't start really punishing Anna until she was 18-19 months because by then she knew what time-out was. However if she did bite me or Kyle, we would just flick her mouth hard enough where she got the idea that biting is a no-no. Claire has sometimes tried to bite Anna, and when that happens we flick her mouth too, and she doesn't like it one bit, but it works. Sometimes there are days where I forget that Claire is still a baby, but I think that it is important to remember that they still are very little and they are just learning. Anyway that is just what we do. Good luck in your endeavors.
I worked in day care, preschools, nursery schools and as a nanny (to 7 sets of twins) for years and years before I was a photographer and studied child development & early childhood education as well, and my experience has been that children, no matter what their age, act out mostly from frustration.
With younger children- babies, it's usually a frustration over communication, they can't communicate what they want or need because they simply aren't "there yet." I created & ran the sign language program at the school I worked at, and all of my one and two year olds had ASL vocabularies of 25-75 words which was phenomenally helpful in eliminating that issue while they learned to speak.
Babies that young also have no concept of empathy or sympathy so the biting back technique typically doesn't work because they don't have the emotional development to understand. That's not something that even starts to form until a child reaches 3 years old or older. From the childhood education stance, we don't recommend you use hitting, flicking or biting or anything like that to teach a child to stop doing it because it can either become a war- 1.) You hit me, I hit you, okay then I'm going to hit you again, and on and on, or 2.) Why aren't I allowed to hit you if you can hit me? It's an inconsistent message. So we used it as part of the "teaching" part,
"Suzy, I don't hit you, so it's not okay for you to hit me. I don't bite you, so it's not okay for you to bite me."
And also replacing "hard" hands- slapping, hitting, with "gentle" hands. Bobby smacks Suzy on the arm- "Bobby, use your 'gentle' hand," and then show him how to touch someone softly and gently immediately.
This may sound counter intuitive, but giving her MORE attention may curb this as well, and this is probably the most important thing to note. As Dr. Phil says, "Kids do what works," so if you daughter gets attention and one on one time from you by pitching a tantrum and being a little violent with her teethers, then she's going to go that route. Even though it's negative attention, it's still ATTENTION, and she wants it, period.
If she gets one on one time and attention from you for being good or doing something positive, no matter what it is- for being cute, for getting up with a smile on her face, for brushing her teeth with Mommy and eating all of her breakfast- let's do something special just you and me! Then she will take her attention from you that way. And undivided attention- no phone, no computer, no talking to other adults. When she's throwing a tantrum, you can't do anything but try and make her stop. When you take her to the park for some play time, it's easy to sit on a bench or talk to the other parents or get on the phone and just let her do her thing. That's not the same kind of one on one attention she gets out of you by having you physically put your hands on her, doing nothing but focus on her and her alone- even if you're totally frustrated out of your mind and she's kicking you and biting your neck like a baby vampire bat.
Increasing positive mommy and me time may decrease the outbursts.
Also, try to sit down and think hard about each outburst and what is instigating it- TRULY what is instigating it, and what is escalating it. What is causing her to to become so upset? Is she angry, frustrated, throwing a tantrum? Is it vindictive, does she think she's being funny? Does she need more limits? Is there something you can do to prevent her from becoming frustrated to begin with? Are you putting too MANY limits on her, does she need more freedom, are some of these things that could be let go? I had a parent who wanted to control at what time his kids could play with what toy- that's too much backseat driving on playtime. Or maybe she needs MORE boundaries and guidelines- baby gates and physical borders to give her more guidance and visual rules. I can't go over THERE because there's a door there now.
Once she IS upset and having a tantrum, make sure YOU are always very calm and even tempered. Don't raise your voice- be firm, but don't make your demeanor further escalate the situation. I would get close to the chld's face wherever they were (but stay away from the hands so they can't hurt you!) and quietly say- almost a whisper so they have to quiet down to hear you- "Why are you upset? Are you upset because of X? Well how about we leave X here and we go get Mr. Bear and take him outside?" Baby= "NOOOOO!!!!!! BLEHHHH! I HATE YOU!!!! AHHHHH!" Mommy= "Well, I am going to go play with Mr. Bear. Bye!" And walk away. Ignore it.
You have lots of choices with these situations. If it's a straight up temper tantrum, best solution is ALWAYS to walk away and ignore it completely like it's not happening. If they are in danger of hurting themselves or breaking something, you just move whatever it is out of the way and still pay them no attention. Act like they are invisible.If you are involved or have to be involved, talk quietly, try redirection, offering one or two options and then walk away. Rejection is hugely powerful with kids- walking away- refusing to participate, but happy to engage with them if they calm down is an okay way to deal with this type of battle of the wills.
I always talk too much, I hope some of this gave you an idea!
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